A Darker Shade of Me

Back at last!

2006-01-26T20:24:00.000-08:00

And just in time for HNT! Wooo!

Here's a little something that should show you what I've been up to whilst away.

The filter is shopped but the red is not. Hee hee hee!

The rumours of my death have been greatly exaggerated.

2006-01-17T19:27:00.000-08:00

This is just a quick posting to let y'all know I haven't actually fallen off the face of the earth. We have lost DSL access in our house due to a fubar on my part and are STILL waiting for it to be turned back on.

Right now, I'm pirating wi fi from a neighbor who doesn't have a secure network. heh. Silly people.

Anyway, more later. And, hopefully a new photo on Thursday!

Half Naked Thursday....in under the wire!

2006-01-05T19:09:00.000-08:00

Is it too late for HNT? *sigh* I'm absolutely horrible at updating lately. I hope that if there is anyone still reading, that they will forgive me!!! Please?

For more HNT info you can check out Osbasso !

Back from the holiday madness!

2005-12-30T10:32:00.000-08:00

I've been kinda absent for a while due to the fact that I have a houseguest. One of my boyfriends is in town, L. :) I'm positively thrilled that he would spend the money to fly out here just to see little ol' me! I've missed him, haven't seen him since August. I've really enjoyed seeing him, talking, cuddling up. It's been a good week so far.

So, howcome I'm dreading going home and finding him there? *le sigh* He's a dear sweet, gentle, kind man. And that may just be the problem, folks. He's a bit too sweet. For the first three days he was here, he was walking on eggshells around me to the point that it brought out all of my Preying Mantis instincts and made me want to devour him from the brain down. All of my horribleness came rising to the surface and I couldn't find the words to tell him what was going on. Because any comment, ANY comment at all had him scurrying around asking if everything was okay and what could he get me and how could he do things better....*sigh* I just felt like if I said "Honey, this whole groveling and simpering thing is just pushing me right over the edge and if you don't relax and stop it I'm going to be forced to kill you in your sleep." that it would merely exacerbate the problem and send him cringing away from me even further. I'm serious here - he actually would FLINCH if I moved while he was touching me - moved in a way that he interpreted to mean that I wasn't having the time of my life. For future reference, this type of behaviour sends me straight into my "Demon from hell, I'll swallow your SOOOOUL" type rage. And then, once I calm down, I progress into utter contempt.

So! Not a great start to our week. I mentioned something to the Hubby and he said something to L. Thank GODS! Last night he was way more relaxed and we actually got time together that didn't make me feel like I wanted to rip my eyes out. L was attempting to be all Dom with me and "tell" me what he wanted to do...blah blah blah. So, I'm going along with it because, well, it's been fun before with him. I know that he's new to all this, but he truly only does it because he knows I like it, not because he's all Dommy or anything. I think that if I had turned the tables on him and taken over, we would have had a really REALLY good time. But, he wanted to play this way.

I realized a couple of things last night while we were playing:

1. The over the door cuffs are a REALLY good deal and everyone should buy some. Comfy and sturdy.

2. If anyone ever comes at me first thing off with an implement they've never used before with NO warmup and escalates it the way he did, it's going to take MORE self-control than I used last night to NOT tell them off and walk out. And I don't think I have that much self-control, submissive or not.

3. Checking in with the sub to make sure she's doing well is okay. Asking "Am I doing okay? Do you like it? Are you sure?", not so much.

4. Neither is looking at the sub and asking "What should I do next?"

5. When I - the spankophile, the girl who gets wet from the mere mention of the word "Spank" - get bored in the middle of a spanking to the point where I'm narrating it in my head like "aaaand that's ten so now on to the other cheek..." something is wrong.

6. If you're gonna slap me, then slap me. No wussy little taps. Make my head spin. K? Thanks.

7. I can take amazing amounts of abuse when I'm in subspace. However, I am not transported there instantaneously by sheer willpower. (Would that it were so!) And, if I am not in subspace, this shit HURTS man! Keeeee-riiiiiiste! Thank goodness for safewords, cuz holy MOLY!

8. Also, not good to be hurt or upset if the sub calls the safeword and take it as you are not doing a good job. *pounds head on desk* It's there for a REASON. And that reason is NOT to shake the dom's self confidence.

Most importantly though, I learned that I can't really get into the whole thing unless there is that energy. I can't describe it any other way, really. There is just an....energy that happens between two people. Call it Power Exchange, call it passion, call it whatever you want, but if it's not there....it's not good.

Now, I have to figure out between now and getting home how to tell him that no matter what he says, I just can NOT play that way again tonight. I know he wants to do that again before he leaves but, really, I just don't think I can. I don't know what changed, but whatever it is, it changed BIG between August and now.

Rats. I hate it - because I do care for him a great deal. I just think that we might not be suited to play that way with each other.

Happy Yule!

2005-12-21T16:16:00.000-08:00

My holiday is today! YAY! Others may be celebrating starting on Sunday depending on their version of things, but for me, today is it. :)

This is just a little sumthin' sumthin' I wrote a few years back for the Solstice. Blessings to all, may your chosen light shine upon you for the coming year.

Peace,
DSOM

He Speaks....

You have asked and so I come.

Brought forth in darkness
to be the light
the heat of birth
the promise of the future

In the horns of stag under molt
In the leap of salmon under ice
In the hawk’s cry under cold sky
In the new shoots under snow
You have asked, and so I come.

My bride in white awaits
her defense for me to melt,
make her mine,
and begin again.

Sex and Health

2005-12-20T20:24:00.000-08:00

AlwaysArousedGirl had an interesting post today with her thoughts on another bloggers question regarding a possible corrolation between low libido and poor general health. (Many apologies for forgetting the original question poser's name! Let me know and I'll fix this!)
Kudos to AAG for reminding me it was Digger Jones!

She speaks about seeing men who may be older and in worse health than her WorkingBoy who have more vitality about them than he does. "They sparkle", she writes.

I have no concrete answers about a correlation between these things. I can only say what I know from personal experience. Yes, dear readers, there was a time when I, the charmingly witty and dazzling DarkerShadeofMe *snort* most definately did not sparkle. Nor was I witty or charming. Or, really, much of anything other than wrapped up in my own little personal pit of hellish depression. I know at these times, I did not find myself particularly attractive or sexually alluring. I gained weight (which I am still struggling to lose), I did not "do" myself up, I just wore anything and paid very little attention to style. Positively blah.

I know at this time, I did go through some very bad years with health. I had pneumonia five times - FIVE! - in a row (once a year for FIVE YEARS!) I was always tired and ick and sick and woe was me. The whole thing culminated in a massive health situation, well okay, I didn't get cancer or end up in the hospital, but at the time, the situation was the most dire that I could have thought up. This occurence made me sit up and take notice of just what in the name of all that was holy was happening to my life. I (at LAST) recognized the not so gentle hand of the Universe smacking me upside the head to "PAY ATTENTION!!" (A message that gets repeated to me every now and then. heh.)

I began the road back to mental stability and with that, my health came back as well. As did my sparkle and fun. My roommates at the time were actually worried that they had overdosed me on the anti-depressant because they had no idea that I was actually FUN! Or happy! Or giggly!! This just spoke volumes to me as to how far I had let things go.

These days, I'm still on the meds, and although I have had my days that I feel like crap and don't want to be touched, it is nothing like it was. And, when I do run into the days that are grey and sad for me (because that's normal in the way of life) I handle it by making double sure I am doing little things like wearing makeup and fun shoes and a cool piece of jewelry. I look for the happiness in the small things, like making an end user laugh when they called and were frustrated beyond belief. Or, even smaller, like finding a beautiful view in the familiar route I drive to work every day. Or, in the smallest way, being happy I made it out of bed and remembering the days when that was just not possible for me. The very fact that I even have the ability to find these small things to smile about is a testament to how far things have swung the other way for me. I thank all my gods every day for better living through chemistry, and for the husband that put up with me when I thought I could go off of it for a while there. (Not a good idea!)

I think the point I'm driving at here, is that people who are in poor health chronically or who have no "sparkle" or joie de vivre even when they are well are just not able to find those small things to be happy about. For whatever reason. It is a horrible, horrible, sad, lonely and cold place to be. My heart goes out to those who go through that, truly. I so understand how everything seems to make one "suffer and not merely be in pain". How each and every situation in life seems to be not an opportunity for joy, but another conspiracy against your very daily existance.

And, when you can't even manage to find anything or anyplace within yourself to be even the slightest bit happy about, how then, can one find any pleasure in the physical? The physical becomes just another enemy, another thing weighing upon you. Movement can be difficult, let alone having sex!

For me, sex became an escape during that time of my life. But I wasn't enjoying it. It was a way to ignore the shitstorm that was building up around me. My partners at that time were not exactly respectful of me, nor were they even caring. It was fucking at it's most base. It wasn't fulfilling, it wasn't healthy. How could it be? I wasn't even able to find joy in the act. Oh, I thought I was, and fooled myself into thinking that, but really, it was no moving prayer to the gods of love. It was a frantic running away from reality, a hurried and panting prayer of denial and desperation.

I don't know about the correlation between libido and health. It may have some sort of statistical number magic that can be drawn between it. But, one can correlate anything with anything using numbers - that is the beauty of statistics. I am not the one to ask for concrete answers, but I think that it might have some merit.

Once you lose your sparkle, you just don't think you deserve to shine.

So many thoughts....

2005-12-13T19:52:00.000-08:00

...so little time. I keep getting inspired to write things for this blog at the oddest times - like the middle of my workday, or just as I'm drifting off to sleep. It's rather annoying.

However, I was just sitting here sipping my lovely brandied egg nog perusing the blogosphere and happened upon an interesting piece on "subspace". Which got me to thinking about that subject.

For my ownself, subspace is pretty easily achieved, given the right circumstances and the right partner. Mostly because I long to give myself up to it. I just want to go away and not think about anything for a while - other than what I'm being told to do. But, that's not always a sure ticket to achieving that space. The giving up of control (or the taking of control from me) is how I get there. I simply...cease to exsist outside that moment, outside that sensation. Realizing that I am relying solely on the Dom for my safety, my thoughts, my needs, heck, at times even relying on them for the ability to breathe, that is some pow'ful mojo my friends. That is when I slip sideways into that warm, cozy state of being.

I was having a discussion with S (the spanker) about this very thing and I came up with the phrase "My function as a sub is to simply take the pain (or whatever) from the Dom." He sort of chuckled at the use of the word "function". But really, that's what it is for me - a function. It is the one time when I can shut off my head and just exsist. Okay, to be honest, I can do that with meditation as well, however, with meditation I am just emptying out my "self". When I'm submitting, I'm emptying my self out so that I can be filled back up. With pain, with pleasure, with want, with need, with whatever the person running things desires.

That is truly what I crave - to simply function as an empty vessel for someone else's desires. For me, that is what "subspace" entails. That complete giving up of self, where the boundaries of ego are erased.

Or, as I put it in one of my poems:

"a blank slate,
waiting to be written upon
in your hand"

Sure, it can sound scary, but with someone you trust (and you damn well BETTER trust the person you're asking to do these things to you!) it is the most amazing thing. D (the former Dom) could get me there in a split second with a particular word or touch. His hand wrapping around my wrist and gently squeezing would catapult me right over the edge. But, that was the kind of closeness he and I shared. By the end, I could anticipate what he wanted and he could bring me off with one whispered comment. I miss that part alot but I don't miss the crazy. Heh.

That's a story for another time though...

Morning Musings...

2005-12-10T11:22:00.000-08:00

Okay, it's technically afternoon, but I've been thinking about this one during the morning, so I'm standing by my title. *smile*

Friday night was a fabulous night. Hubby (H), the Girlfriend (GF) and myself all went out last night to celebrate the Hubby's first day at a new job. (One that he went back to school to be qualified for and one that is his passion in life! yay!) It was such a good time, dinner at a "mongolian barbecue", a bit of shopping, took in Harry Potter at long last and came home and chilled out in the family room until I feel asleep on the couch.

The three of us have reached a pretty cool point in our relationship this year - kind of an equilibrium. There were some difficult times when we were starting down this road together, as there is with any relationship. Poly has a way of throwing even the minutest of hidden conflicts into high relief. H and I had to really work on our communication skills with each other. Thankfully, GF is a psychologist, so she got us through a lot of our difficulties with that. Nothing like a little in home marraige counselling. heh. But now, we're like an old married couple. (triple?) We're coming up on three years together. We're "out" to the majority of our friends, and H's Mom knows what's going on.

Last night was wonderful in the fact that we just got to be together, laugh, snuggle up, talk, and do all those things we sometimes don't get to do in the daily course of things. GF works second shift at her store, so she's usually not home in the evenings - at least while I'm awake. It was nice, it was good.

I love my family. :) That is all, nothing sexy right now.

Happy Half Nekkid Thursday!!

2005-12-08T15:23:00.000-08:00

The girls and I just want to wish everyone here a HHNT!!!

It's snowing here - we're supposed to get another 4" of it by the time it stops. Making our total top out somewhere around 6" or so. It's actually looking like Yule outside!!

I'm still all wound up from the spanking on Monday night. I'm attempting to interpret the emails from S in my typical girlie fashion. Really, I need to stop and just tell the man that a week from next Monday would be a really good day for me to come over. Or anytime on the weekends. Or you know, lunchbreaks....whatever. *giggle* I'll probably agonize over it for a bit longer and then just bite the bullet. Go me!

I truly don't know why I'm so hesitant. Obviously I had a GREAT time. But...i did miss the control aspect of things. That has really become a fetish for me. Sex without it is almost....well, rote. A friend and I call that "hooker sex" - sex where you're just kinda going through the motions but not really involved passionately in what is going on. I'm afraid that in my floaty-flying state that hooker sex would be really difficult to pull off with any panache at all. Because, certainly, the number ONE rule of hooker sex is that you DO NOT let your partner know that is what is going on!

I suppose that I would just like the whole package, greedy slut that I am. The wonderful spanking and then forced to my knees by my throat, slapped and mouth fucked. Dragged up by my hair to oh so possessive kisses that leave me melting in my partner's arms. Whispered growls of "Mine" in my ear, and flipped over to be fucked whilenails rake down my back and bright red ass cheeks.

Or, you know....something like that.....

Redecorating!

2005-12-07T16:03:00.000-08:00

There are a few changes on the page because I'm actually doing what I said I would and learning a bit about html and all that.

To tell you the truth it still all looks like garble to me, but as I am the queen of cutting and pasting, I'm at least learning WHERE in the template info to cut and paste stuff. I am SO not a computer language person. Heh.

So, enjoy the new links that will continue to appear on the sidebar! yay!

Screw Calgon!

2005-12-06T19:54:00.000-08:00

I am sitting here writing this on a still somewhat red and most definately sore bottom. Last check in the mirror, there is even some bruising starting to come up. Lovely, positively lovely. I'm the most relaxed I've felt in weeks.

I suppose I should back up a bit, eh?

Last night I met with that charming man I mentioned in an earlier post. Let's call him S, shall we? I went over to his house with the express purpose of being thoroughly spanked.

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED! Woo! We started on the couch with what he termed "a good girl spanking". Over the knee (soooo nice) and pants up to begin. With the first decent smack I was feeling all the tension I've been carrying around start to just melt away. Also felt myself arching up into his spanks, something that he noticed as well and responded to nicely by upping the intensity. Soon enough, the pants were down, and he was happy to see nice pink cheeks. After a bit, we moved into the bedroom.

He had some toys there, I think five in all. I was introduced to each and every one of them. First though, some more handspanks to warm me up a bit more. I was absolutly floating by this time. The leather slapper was the first one and it just sent me right over the edge. Buh-bye. It was stingy and intense but with every hit I just slipped further and further away until there was just nothing left to think about but the rhythm of the spanking.

We took a short break and cuddled on the bed for a bit, kissed, laughed, kissed and necked some more and then back at it in several different positions: over the edge of the bed, back over his lap, lying fully on the bed, hips propped up with pillows. The ending was a very, VERY hard hand spanking that I thought would never end. Which I really didn't want to end, either.

Very sweetly, he rubbed some lotion onto my very HOT and red ass. I was just drifting, loving the feel of him touching me, loving how the endorphins were making everything fuzzy and far away. What I really wanted at that moment was for S to continue touching me and for us to segue into some nice, juicy (because I was positively dripping wet) sex. What happened was that he got up and offered to make some tea for us and left me to get dressed.

Now, I am NOT the most coherent when I'm flying like that, so it took me a moment to get coordinated enough to remember how to put on pants, let alone work my bra hooks. I did go out and manage to giggle my way through conversation and tea for a bit before driving home.

I'm thinking that S and I need to have a conversation about the sex part. I know, I KNOW it's a really common BDSM thing to just play and not have any sex involved at all....but not so much for me personally. If there is one thing on this planet that trips my trigger it's being spanked like that - hard and long. So, I was pretty much wound like a top and ready to go, but....apparantly that was not on his agenda. And, as much as I would like to freak out and get all girly emotional, I know that the only way to deal with this is to talk about it. Maybe he just doesn't DO that, which would be okay, but it would be nice to know. My bad for not getting more details on that up front. But really, I mean, totally naked girl on your bed - on TOP of you at one point, taking off her top - how much more direct does one have to be? *giggle*

Still and all, it beats the ever lovin' crap out of a bubble bath for making me feel more like myself.

Wowsers!!

2005-12-05T14:15:00.000-08:00

Tons of hits on the page! Thanks everyone for stopping by and reading! And thanks for the comments. (I do so LOVE the comments!)

Bloggasm #11

2005-12-03T21:19:00.000-08:00

This lovely bloggasm brought to you by http://sugarbank.com/

Another packed bloggasm, I hear that this thing’s really starting to draw some attention. Thanks for the referrals, the more bloggers join in, the better it works.

This weeks picks are:
A Vampire Eats Out (whatsyourpleasure.blogspot.com)

Another Day of Hard Work in Phone Sex (talkingdirty.blogspot.com)

Bedroom Radio Episode #8 – Under the Covers (bedroomradio.blogspot.com)

Behaviour and Fulfilled Fantasies (bikersballsandteacherstits.blogspot.com)

Better late than never (darkershadeofme.blogspot.com)

“Can’t I at least see them!?” (shayssexcolumn.blogspot.com)

Edges - Part II - A Story of Rape, Complicity and Consent (nyc-urban-gypsy.blogspot.com)

For M (anyonesgirl.blogspot.com)

Harder (lumpesse.com)

I’ve Got A Few Other Ideas As Well (tirepaddle.com)

Karly and the True Pro - by Joe (karlyjoe.blogspot.com)

Mister Interviews Mister (sexblo.gs)

My heart belongs to Daddy… (mimredbeard.com)

Punishment (sexinga.blogspot.com)

The Swag has Landed (sugarbank.com)

The Second Coming of Jesus (theholidaylife.blogspot.com)

The Sounds of Cumming (radicalvixen.com)

Trying Out the New Vibe (alwaysarousedgirl.blogspot.com)

World AIDS Day & Condoms (seska4lovers.com)

Would you kiss or lick me better? (deltaofvenus.blogspot.com)

Better late than never?

2005-12-01T20:58:00.000-08:00

Okay, I have been quite remiss in posting here lately. Work stress has been putting me in bed (alone, and unfucked) very early these past couple of weeks. *sigh*

I found out something rather amusing tonight. I can tell a prospective lover/play partner that I enjoy any number of BDSM activities with a completely straight face and with no shame at all. I can catalogue the number of things I would allow someone to do to me, ticking them off one by one on my fingers as if I were reading a grocery list back to my husband over the phone in the middle of a convent. But mention the "s-word" and I go all gooey and giggly and blushing. I turn into a silly girl who stammers and instantly goes red and squirmy at the mere thought of someone just saying that word to me, let alone actually performing that action on my person!! My friends and lovers would absolutely be aghast at how I completely lose my cool around the s-word.

I suppose I should tell you what this dreaded/beloved word is, shouldn't I? It's *ahem* spanking. See! SEE! I'm turning red right now!!! I swear to GODS I am!

I was having dinner with a very lovely man tonight who just so happens to really enjoy this activity. (And who also is actually the age he claims to be and the marital status he claims to be.) During our conversation, the topic came up and we talked about it at length. This alone was enough to make me cross and uncross my legs and pray that I wasn't about to ruin the pair of slacks I was wearing. But then....he asked when he and I were going to get together to have a go.....and, dear readers, it's true: I blushed and could not answer. I actually had to take a moment to compose myself!!!!!

The word itself turns me on. I'm a hopeless spanko folks. I always have been. I remember being aroused by the thought of it from my very youngest days. I loved reading and re-reading parts in books where someone got spanked. And, as I grew older, wrestling with boys and getting smacks on the ass was one of my secret pleasures. I even asked my first lover to take me over his knee and paddle me. (Which he did, most obligingly, bless his heart.) Even now, the thing I'm most likely to be fantasizing about during masturbation or even *gasp!* sex is being bent over and spanked. Long, elaborate fantasies that have been around for years and have yet to grow stale.

So, yes, this brazen slut here who has begged on her knees in tears to be slapped, who has asked ever so politely for cock up her ass, who has joyfully pushed men down on a bed to climb on top of them and fuck, who has never had any issue with directing a guy to her clitoris and telling him exactly how she likes it manipulated; this girl can be taken out just by uttering one single word. *sigh*

I suppose we all have our Achille's Heel, don't we?

The very good thing though, is that the aforementioned dinner date and I have a play date next monday to do exactly that. Wheee!! I'm going to be wound like a damn top by that time. Thank gods I've lain in a fresh supply of batteries!!!

Taboo! Taboo!

2005-11-21T20:12:00.000-08:00

Aside from being the name of a really neat shop on the north side of Chi-town, the idea of the taboo has been on my mind today for some odd reason....

I seem to lean towards the taboo in my sexual preferences. I like things that most people wouldn't consider sexual at all, let alone "good" in any fashion. Pain in general is not considered highly erotic by a great number of people, yet to me, it can take me to a place where my senses are so heightened that I am no longer capable of making rational decisions about my safety. Once the endorphins kick in hard, I can be asked "Hey, mind if I flay the skin off you?" and I'll probably giggle and say "Oh yes, pleeease...."

However, there is something far more taboo than pain that I enjoy.

(Please, if you are easily offended, do not read any further. If you flame me in comments for this, I will just delete it. This is my blog to muse about my wants and likes and whatever I like, no one is forcing you to be here.)

I absolutely love being a little girl. Not a baby with diapers and all that (although there are people who enjoy that), but a little girl - 10 maybe 12 years old. A pigtails, lollipops, Mary Janes, dolls, stuffed animals, pink and ruffles kind of little girl. And I like to have a Daddy figure or "parental" figure who is in charge.

This is a squicky subject for most people. Most men don't want to play "Daddy" or "Uncle". But those who do, ohhhhhh....we can have the most wonderful fun together. I like hearing how I'm a good girl who makes her Daddy very happy. It's a very safe feeling. I have friend who calls me now and then to play on the phone this way, and just hearing his voice say "Hi baby..." makes me smile soooooooo big. Alternately, if he is stern or disappointed in me, I feel like I've let him down and that can make me very sad. (Not a state he keeps me in for long, let me tell you!)

Please don't mistake me here - I am NOT talking about pedophilia. I am talking about me, a grown adult person, role playing and PRETENDING to be something I'm CLEARLY not. Also, the men that I've known who have enjoyed this kind of thing with me would absolutely VOMIT at the thought of actually touching a minor. Most of them are Fathers to their own children. They are not frustrated pedophiles. A pedophile would not be in any way attracted to a fully developed and mature person. I would hold NO sexual attraction for a pedophile in any way, shape or form. So please, don't mistake pretend for real here.

This is about tweaking the power exchange between Dom and sub to be something slightly different. It's....sweeter, somehow. At least in my experience it has been. It's a very protective kind of power exchange, even though I am still, ultimately, at the mercy of the person in charge. And, generally, I have done the same things in the guise of little girl that I have done in the guise of slut. Somehow though, it's so much nicer to do those things for Daddy.....

Why does this turn me on so much? Is it because I have unresolved issues with my own Dad? No...he and I have a wonderful, healthy, normal relationship. We're actually pretty good friends, my Dad and I. And no, there was no weird neighbor or stranger who molested me when I was younger (thank GODS!). I'm not entirely sure WHY I love this so much. I sometimes think it's tied in with my spanking/punishment fantasies. Being the young girl who is being chastised by an older male figures prominently in those fantasies, and that can lead right into this kind of thing.

However, I wonder if it isn't just the perverseness of it all that attracts me. It's such a taboo thing - Daddies and daughters. There isn't really any culture that doesn't have a taboo against it. And I'm a contrary enough creature to find it appealing on that alone.

But i know that's not it either, not entirely. All I really know is that I like it. And, given the opportunity, I'm going to step into that role with someone because it feels good.

Isn't that what sex is all about anyhow - doing something that feels so good you only want more when you're done? Even if it is taboo....

Happy HNT!

2005-11-17T17:55:00.000-08:00

It's not a recent photo, but it certainly holds fond memories for me!

(Is it wrong to mention that my ass looks MUCH nicer than this now??? Tighter...more lifted....????? Or is self-criticism not allowed on HNT?)

Fucking your friends...

2005-11-16T20:14:00.000-08:00

So, this post got me thinking:
http://deesjoe.blogspot.com/2005/11/friends-and-lovers.html

(sorry about the messy link, but I"m still figuring out this whole HTML thing. )

In the comments there was a mention of how bad it would be to fuck your friends. Huh. Howcome no one told me this???? *laugh*

Maybe I've got a very unique group of friends, but....we're ALLLL fucking each other. Or want to. Or talk about it. Or flirt shamelessly and mack on each other all the time as long as the kids aren't around.

I mean, I can curl up next to ANY of my male friends and snuggle in close to lay my head on their shoulder. This is including the ones that I know aren't available to date. No one gets overly jealous because...well, we all respect each other's boundaries. Yeah, we may WANT to screw around, but we won't. We may even tell each other that we want to screw around and joke a LOT about it. But we won't. No need to go pissing off people who trust you when there are plenty of guy friends around who CAN go off in the dark to do...whatever. :)

However, the friendship with the people I am sleeping with (geeze, sounds like it's a cast of THOUSANDS doesn't it??) has not suffered because of it. It's been great, in fact. It's been a fabulous extension of our caring for and about each other. We even *gasp* love each other and proclaim it freely!!! *shock!* *horror!* *giggle*

So, it's really out of my realm of knowledge to have the opinion that one shouldn't be sleeping with friends, even if they are available to do so. (It IS my opinion that one should NOT be sleeping with friends that are NOT available, though.)

I dunno. It's just a differing opinion and it's totally valid. But, it's a 180 from what goes on in my life and in my circle of friends.

Slap me silly and call me Fuckpig!

2005-11-14T22:00:00.000-08:00

Okay, the date that stood me up the other night had a VERY good excuse for doing so (massive family emergency), and therefore, we rescheduled.

It was a good first meeting. We had coffee, dinner, a wee bit of snogging in his front seat. Nice cock. (*giggle* I'm a baaaaad girl!)

We met again tonight, for some actual playtime. He got the room, terribly nice of him to do that. Within minutes of getting there, i was stripped bent over and being taken from behind. Everything a girl could want. There's something so lovely about being shoved into the matress while balancing on tiptoe, arching one's hips up as high as possible, one hand holding you down and the other pulling your head back by the hair. yummmm....

he also gets points for coming prepared with gifts! A new vibe and a new butt plug just for li'l ol' me! And the plug went in about halfway through the bent over fucking - even nicer to feel both holes down there being filled up.

Massive points for creativity as he took some hairclips I had in and used them as both nipple clips and a clit clamp. (wheee! fun phrases: clitclamp!) They weren't overly tight....until he squeezed on them, the sadistic bastard.

There was the requisite slapping of the face and various other body parts. My tits are going to take a couple days to return to any semblance of normal. My ass, however, is feeling particularly ignored. *le sigh* Then again, i can't ever get enough of that.

So, anyway, after the fun....we talked. He's wanting an actual relationship here. Not just fuckbuddies who get rough. The whole D/s enchilada complete with emotional investment on both our parts. Walking that edge together and having that amazing power exchange.

This is something that I have been looking for, actually. But, it's difficult for me to know within two meetings if HE (we'll call him W) is the person I want to do this with. W's a nice guy. Very dominant, well setup in life. No drama. (i think.) But....

.......okay, i'm going to be completely shallow here for a bit. If anyone is reading this, I apologize RIGHT NOW for how horrible I'm about to be.

The thing is....W is not exactly my body type. Now, I'm NO PRIZE currently. I'm not a hottie by any standard use of the word. Cute? yes. Sexy? yes. but, i'm currently overweight. so....yeah, not a lot of room to talk here. Still....

....i'm not overly attracted to W. Sometimes that can change with time. But...just this once, I am feeling shallow and vain and want the hot boyfriend. It's completely horrible. I feel shitty even typing it here....but I want someone that I just can't keep my hands off of. W...is portly. He's short - he's at the very limit of my height requirement (5'9") And, I think he's in the category of: I don't want a Dom I can outrun.

I already have a sweet, portly lover....do I really need a collection?

This is SUCH a shitty thing to not go any further with someone over. But, there it is.

The other thing is that there are some massive warning bells going off. Some of them have to do with the fact that he is telling me his wife is okay with all of this - but my gut is telling me otherwise. *sigh* That is easy enough to suss out. I want to meet her and he's said that would be possible. So....i'm going to push for that.

The other warning bell is that he is really REALLY into me after only such a short time. Now, I know that real, actual, honest to god subs are hard to find. At least in THIS TOWN. So, I can understand the enthusiasm. But wanting all this commitment after two meetings....that's alot.

I'm feeling gunshy because of my previous relationship. I went into that one completely naive as to how consuming that type of relationship can be. I'm going into my next one with eyes wide open and my heart being guarded a bit more.

I am willing to take that risk - to make the leap of faith one HAS to take to find love. I just don't know if I want to take it with W. I just don't know at all.....

History

2005-11-10T19:08:00.000-08:00

Not so very long ago I was in a D/s relationship that was as 24/7 as one could have it without living together. And then one day, himself broke my heart in a billion leeetle pieces.

You see, he was the first person that I trusted with EVERY part of me. And, if you've ever done any power exchange, you know how much trust you can give someone. We did not have safewords, ever. There was no thing i would not do for him, so what was the point? My trust in him was so great that I knew he could walk me juuuuuust beyond that edge of my comfort zone and take me new places without pushing me too far. I would fly and fly and fly, drunk on endorphins and trusted him to stop before i was seriously damaged.

Pure. Bliss.

It ended though. And messily. Not all of it his fault, of course. Some on my part too. Life is never black and white.

So, here i am. A girl with no Dom. It's very difficult to try and find someone who wants to do terrible things to me that isn't:
A) over two hours away
B) a complete PSY-CHO!
C) totally wigged out by the fact that i'm actually happily married.

and a list of other things that are just too numerous to go into. Basically, it's a pain in the ass.

Where am I going with this? Right to Bitchfestland. Tonight makes the SECOND time in TWO WEEKS that I've been stood up. I know I'm not exactly some awe inspiring beauty, but i'm not fucking dogmeat either. Regardless of my own self-confidence issues, most people tend to think I'm attractive. So...WTF?

I'm so frustrated. Is it too much to ask that there is someone NEARBY who trips my trigger and wants to use me like a total whore? I don't think so. I don't think it's a very large request at all.

Twice. I feel like the biggest loser in the world. *SIGH* And this is supposed to HELP me trust someone again?

*throws hands up in the air and stomps off to eat chocolate and masturbate furiously to memories of blissful moments in the past*

A bit of an introduction

2005-11-09T13:12:00.000-08:00

So, just in case you’ve wandered by this page and wondered just what in the WORLD is going on, here’s a bit of the “who/what/why”

WHO: A thirtysomething girl who is very happily married and polyamorous. (More on that later, I’m sure.)

WHAT: A place where I can muse away about my inner explorations and not lose touch with my own sexuality amongst the everyday drudge of work & housework.

WHY: This is the difficult thing to write. It’s a threefold answer, really.

First, I have been struggling for a few years with figuring out how to balance all these different parts of me. How to be the devoted wife, the homemaker, the breadwinner, the slut, the little girl…all of it at once. So far I’ve figured out that I put a lot of pressure on myself to live up to standards that I place upon myself – yet perceive them to be placed upon me by others. I’ve also figured out that for a long time I pushed away my sexuality and denied it. It was detrimental. And when it was brought out of its box and unleashed, it was a bit wild there for some time!

But, no more! I’m learning how to balance myself between things. Finding my own road. And, I’m never going to stuff that part of me that likes to fuck like a wildebeest away ever again. That way lies madness. Truly.

So, here I am writing this blog about that sexual part of me. Wants, hopes, desires – it will all go down here.

The second part of the “why” is because I am a vain, vain creature! Terribly narcissistic am I! I’m putting all this out here in public because I want to see what others think. It would be easy enough to keep it private and locked away, but where’s the fun in that? (And where’s the attention! *laughs*) I know it’s somehow gauche to admit to being vain and/or wanting attention, but come on – let’s be real folks. If we didn’t want to connect with others, we wouldn’t be out here blogging. So comment away! I like to think that someone other than me is reading this tripe.

I will say now that there will be topics covered here that WILL be uncomfortable for some people. If that is the case, please don’t read it. Please, PLEASE, for the love of all that is holy, DO NOT READ IT. And certainly don’t rip me (or anyone else) in the comments. I wasn’t tying you down and forcing you to stop here in your net surfing, for godsakes. Move along if you don’t like what you see. I promise not to pout too much.

Oh, and let’s please all respect each other here in the comments. If someone brings something up that isn’t your cup of tea – well, there ya go. It takes ALL KINDS. I’ve got my kink and you’ve got yours and that’s okay. No snarkiness. Although, I can’t promise I won’t giggle a little – I am human after all.

And the third raison d’etre for this blog to come into is because it’s high time I learned how to manipulate HTML and all that intarweeb crap. So, beware, I’ll be playing around with this thing and figuring stuff out. If you stop by and the whole thing is fubar-ed, you now know why! *giggle*

What a girl wants....

2005-11-08T16:22:00.000-08:00

Today, this is what I want. Marks and bruises and pain. I'm overwhelmed and feeling stressed and I just want someone to take me over and make it all go away.

Sometimes a bubble bath just doesn't cut it. Sometimes only being shoved to the ground, made to beg, slapped silly, clothes torn off, hair pulled, tossed on the bed, growled over, bitten mercilessly, mouth fucked, ass fucked, cunt fucked, tit fucked, slapped some more and then left breathless for a bit will do. Then, ask for more.

Yes, that would just about do it today. I just don't want to think anymore. Perhaps it's a weakness to want to retreat into sub space at times. I don't know. But, when i'm stressed and horny, that lovely place is the one place I long to be. The place where my only real option is to say "Yes" and just let everything else just leak right out my ears.

2005-11-08T16:16:00.000-08:00

This is new. We'll see how it goes, eh?