Back from the holiday madness!

I've been kinda absent for a while due to the fact that I have a houseguest. One of my boyfriends is in town, L. :) I'm positively thrilled that he would spend the money to fly out here just to see little ol' me! I've missed him, haven't seen him since August. I've really enjoyed seeing him, talking, cuddling up. It's been a good week so far.

So, howcome I'm dreading going home and finding him there? *le sigh* He's a dear sweet, gentle, kind man. And that may just be the problem, folks. He's a bit too sweet. For the first three days he was here, he was walking on eggshells around me to the point that it brought out all of my Preying Mantis instincts and made me want to devour him from the brain down. All of my horribleness came rising to the surface and I couldn't find the words to tell him what was going on. Because any comment, ANY comment at all had him scurrying around asking if everything was okay and what could he get me and how could he do things better....*sigh* I just felt like if I said "Honey, this whole groveling and simpering thing is just pushing me right over the edge and if you don't relax and stop it I'm going to be forced to kill you in your sleep." that it would merely exacerbate the problem and send him cringing away from me even further. I'm serious here - he actually would FLINCH if I moved while he was touching me - moved in a way that he interpreted to mean that I wasn't having the time of my life. For future reference, this type of behaviour sends me straight into my "Demon from hell, I'll swallow your SOOOOUL" type rage. And then, once I calm down, I progress into utter contempt.

So! Not a great start to our week. I mentioned something to the Hubby and he said something to L. Thank GODS! Last night he was way more relaxed and we actually got time together that didn't make me feel like I wanted to rip my eyes out. L was attempting to be all Dom with me and "tell" me what he wanted to do...blah blah blah. So, I'm going along with it because, well, it's been fun before with him. I know that he's new to all this, but he truly only does it because he knows I like it, not because he's all Dommy or anything. I think that if I had turned the tables on him and taken over, we would have had a really REALLY good time. But, he wanted to play this way.

I realized a couple of things last night while we were playing:

1. The over the door cuffs are a REALLY good deal and everyone should buy some. Comfy and sturdy.

2. If anyone ever comes at me first thing off with an implement they've never used before with NO warmup and escalates it the way he did, it's going to take MORE self-control than I used last night to NOT tell them off and walk out. And I don't think I have that much self-control, submissive or not.

3. Checking in with the sub to make sure she's doing well is okay. Asking "Am I doing okay? Do you like it? Are you sure?", not so much.

4. Neither is looking at the sub and asking "What should I do next?"

5. When I - the spankophile, the girl who gets wet from the mere mention of the word "Spank" - get bored in the middle of a spanking to the point where I'm narrating it in my head like "aaaand that's ten so now on to the other cheek..." something is wrong.

6. If you're gonna slap me, then slap me. No wussy little taps. Make my head spin. K? Thanks.

7. I can take amazing amounts of abuse when I'm in subspace. However, I am not transported there instantaneously by sheer willpower. (Would that it were so!) And, if I am not in subspace, this shit HURTS man! Keeeee-riiiiiiste! Thank goodness for safewords, cuz holy MOLY!

8. Also, not good to be hurt or upset if the sub calls the safeword and take it as you are not doing a good job. *pounds head on desk* It's there for a REASON. And that reason is NOT to shake the dom's self confidence.

Most importantly though, I learned that I can't really get into the whole thing unless there is that energy. I can't describe it any other way, really. There is just an....energy that happens between two people. Call it Power Exchange, call it passion, call it whatever you want, but if it's not there....it's not good.

Now, I have to figure out between now and getting home how to tell him that no matter what he says, I just can NOT play that way again tonight. I know he wants to do that again before he leaves but, really, I just don't think I can. I don't know what changed, but whatever it is, it changed BIG between August and now.

Rats. I hate it - because I do care for him a great deal. I just think that we might not be suited to play that way with each other.