Thursday, January 26, 2006

Back at last!

And just in time for HNT! Wooo!

Here's a little something that should show you what I've been up to whilst away.

The filter is shopped but the red is not. Hee hee hee!

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

The rumours of my death have been greatly exaggerated.

This is just a quick posting to let y'all know I haven't actually fallen off the face of the earth. We have lost DSL access in our house due to a fubar on my part and are STILL waiting for it to be turned back on.

Right now, I'm pirating wi fi from a neighbor who doesn't have a secure network. heh. Silly people.

Anyway, more later. And, hopefully a new photo on Thursday!

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Half Naked under the wire!

Is it too late for HNT? *sigh* I'm absolutely horrible at updating lately. I hope that if there is anyone still reading, that they will forgive me!!! Please?

For more HNT info you can check out Osbasso !

Friday, December 30, 2005

Back from the holiday madness!

I've been kinda absent for a while due to the fact that I have a houseguest. One of my boyfriends is in town, L. :) I'm positively thrilled that he would spend the money to fly out here just to see little ol' me! I've missed him, haven't seen him since August. I've really enjoyed seeing him, talking, cuddling up. It's been a good week so far.

So, howcome I'm dreading going home and finding him there? *le sigh* He's a dear sweet, gentle, kind man. And that may just be the problem, folks. He's a bit too sweet. For the first three days he was here, he was walking on eggshells around me to the point that it brought out all of my Preying Mantis instincts and made me want to devour him from the brain down. All of my horribleness came rising to the surface and I couldn't find the words to tell him what was going on. Because any comment, ANY comment at all had him scurrying around asking if everything was okay and what could he get me and how could he do things better....*sigh* I just felt like if I said "Honey, this whole groveling and simpering thing is just pushing me right over the edge and if you don't relax and stop it I'm going to be forced to kill you in your sleep." that it would merely exacerbate the problem and send him cringing away from me even further. I'm serious here - he actually would FLINCH if I moved while he was touching me - moved in a way that he interpreted to mean that I wasn't having the time of my life. For future reference, this type of behaviour sends me straight into my "Demon from hell, I'll swallow your SOOOOUL" type rage. And then, once I calm down, I progress into utter contempt.

So! Not a great start to our week. I mentioned something to the Hubby and he said something to L. Thank GODS! Last night he was way more relaxed and we actually got time together that didn't make me feel like I wanted to rip my eyes out. L was attempting to be all Dom with me and "tell" me what he wanted to do...blah blah blah. So, I'm going along with it because, well, it's been fun before with him. I know that he's new to all this, but he truly only does it because he knows I like it, not because he's all Dommy or anything. I think that if I had turned the tables on him and taken over, we would have had a really REALLY good time. But, he wanted to play this way.

I realized a couple of things last night while we were playing:

1. The over the door cuffs are a REALLY good deal and everyone should buy some. Comfy and sturdy.

2. If anyone ever comes at me first thing off with an implement they've never used before with NO warmup and escalates it the way he did, it's going to take MORE self-control than I used last night to NOT tell them off and walk out. And I don't think I have that much self-control, submissive or not.

3. Checking in with the sub to make sure she's doing well is okay. Asking "Am I doing okay? Do you like it? Are you sure?", not so much.

4. Neither is looking at the sub and asking "What should I do next?"

5. When I - the spankophile, the girl who gets wet from the mere mention of the word "Spank" - get bored in the middle of a spanking to the point where I'm narrating it in my head like "aaaand that's ten so now on to the other cheek..." something is wrong.

6. If you're gonna slap me, then slap me. No wussy little taps. Make my head spin. K? Thanks.

7. I can take amazing amounts of abuse when I'm in subspace. However, I am not transported there instantaneously by sheer willpower. (Would that it were so!) And, if I am not in subspace, this shit HURTS man! Keeeee-riiiiiiste! Thank goodness for safewords, cuz holy MOLY!

8. Also, not good to be hurt or upset if the sub calls the safeword and take it as you are not doing a good job. *pounds head on desk* It's there for a REASON. And that reason is NOT to shake the dom's self confidence.

Most importantly though, I learned that I can't really get into the whole thing unless there is that energy. I can't describe it any other way, really. There is just that happens between two people. Call it Power Exchange, call it passion, call it whatever you want, but if it's not's not good.

Now, I have to figure out between now and getting home how to tell him that no matter what he says, I just can NOT play that way again tonight. I know he wants to do that again before he leaves but, really, I just don't think I can. I don't know what changed, but whatever it is, it changed BIG between August and now.

Rats. I hate it - because I do care for him a great deal. I just think that we might not be suited to play that way with each other.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Happy Yule!

My holiday is today! YAY! Others may be celebrating starting on Sunday depending on their version of things, but for me, today is it. :)

This is just a little sumthin' sumthin' I wrote a few years back for the Solstice. Blessings to all, may your chosen light shine upon you for the coming year.


He Speaks....

You have asked and so I come.

Brought forth in darkness
to be the light
the heat of birth
the promise of the future

In the horns of stag under molt
In the leap of salmon under ice
In the hawk’s cry under cold sky
In the new shoots under snow
You have asked, and so I come.

My bride in white awaits
her defense for me to melt,
make her mine,
and begin again.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Sex and Health

AlwaysArousedGirl had an interesting post today with her thoughts on another bloggers question regarding a possible corrolation between low libido and poor general health. (Many apologies for forgetting the original question poser's name! Let me know and I'll fix this!)
Kudos to AAG for reminding me it was Digger Jones!

She speaks about seeing men who may be older and in worse health than her WorkingBoy who have more vitality about them than he does. "They sparkle", she writes.

I have no concrete answers about a correlation between these things. I can only say what I know from personal experience. Yes, dear readers, there was a time when I, the charmingly witty and dazzling DarkerShadeofMe *snort* most definately did not sparkle. Nor was I witty or charming. Or, really, much of anything other than wrapped up in my own little personal pit of hellish depression. I know at these times, I did not find myself particularly attractive or sexually alluring. I gained weight (which I am still struggling to lose), I did not "do" myself up, I just wore anything and paid very little attention to style. Positively blah.

I know at this time, I did go through some very bad years with health. I had pneumonia five times - FIVE! - in a row (once a year for FIVE YEARS!) I was always tired and ick and sick and woe was me. The whole thing culminated in a massive health situation, well okay, I didn't get cancer or end up in the hospital, but at the time, the situation was the most dire that I could have thought up. This occurence made me sit up and take notice of just what in the name of all that was holy was happening to my life. I (at LAST) recognized the not so gentle hand of the Universe smacking me upside the head to "PAY ATTENTION!!" (A message that gets repeated to me every now and then. heh.)

I began the road back to mental stability and with that, my health came back as well. As did my sparkle and fun. My roommates at the time were actually worried that they had overdosed me on the anti-depressant because they had no idea that I was actually FUN! Or happy! Or giggly!! This just spoke volumes to me as to how far I had let things go.

These days, I'm still on the meds, and although I have had my days that I feel like crap and don't want to be touched, it is nothing like it was. And, when I do run into the days that are grey and sad for me (because that's normal in the way of life) I handle it by making double sure I am doing little things like wearing makeup and fun shoes and a cool piece of jewelry. I look for the happiness in the small things, like making an end user laugh when they called and were frustrated beyond belief. Or, even smaller, like finding a beautiful view in the familiar route I drive to work every day. Or, in the smallest way, being happy I made it out of bed and remembering the days when that was just not possible for me. The very fact that I even have the ability to find these small things to smile about is a testament to how far things have swung the other way for me. I thank all my gods every day for better living through chemistry, and for the husband that put up with me when I thought I could go off of it for a while there. (Not a good idea!)

I think the point I'm driving at here, is that people who are in poor health chronically or who have no "sparkle" or joie de vivre even when they are well are just not able to find those small things to be happy about. For whatever reason. It is a horrible, horrible, sad, lonely and cold place to be. My heart goes out to those who go through that, truly. I so understand how everything seems to make one "suffer and not merely be in pain". How each and every situation in life seems to be not an opportunity for joy, but another conspiracy against your very daily existance.

And, when you can't even manage to find anything or anyplace within yourself to be even the slightest bit happy about, how then, can one find any pleasure in the physical? The physical becomes just another enemy, another thing weighing upon you. Movement can be difficult, let alone having sex!

For me, sex became an escape during that time of my life. But I wasn't enjoying it. It was a way to ignore the shitstorm that was building up around me. My partners at that time were not exactly respectful of me, nor were they even caring. It was fucking at it's most base. It wasn't fulfilling, it wasn't healthy. How could it be? I wasn't even able to find joy in the act. Oh, I thought I was, and fooled myself into thinking that, but really, it was no moving prayer to the gods of love. It was a frantic running away from reality, a hurried and panting prayer of denial and desperation.

I don't know about the correlation between libido and health. It may have some sort of statistical number magic that can be drawn between it. But, one can correlate anything with anything using numbers - that is the beauty of statistics. I am not the one to ask for concrete answers, but I think that it might have some merit.

Once you lose your sparkle, you just don't think you deserve to shine.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

So many thoughts.... little time. I keep getting inspired to write things for this blog at the oddest times - like the middle of my workday, or just as I'm drifting off to sleep. It's rather annoying.

However, I was just sitting here sipping my lovely brandied egg nog perusing the blogosphere and happened upon an interesting piece on "subspace". Which got me to thinking about that subject.

For my ownself, subspace is pretty easily achieved, given the right circumstances and the right partner. Mostly because I long to give myself up to it. I just want to go away and not think about anything for a while - other than what I'm being told to do. But, that's not always a sure ticket to achieving that space. The giving up of control (or the taking of control from me) is how I get there. I simply...cease to exsist outside that moment, outside that sensation. Realizing that I am relying solely on the Dom for my safety, my thoughts, my needs, heck, at times even relying on them for the ability to breathe, that is some pow'ful mojo my friends. That is when I slip sideways into that warm, cozy state of being.

I was having a discussion with S (the spanker) about this very thing and I came up with the phrase "My function as a sub is to simply take the pain (or whatever) from the Dom." He sort of chuckled at the use of the word "function". But really, that's what it is for me - a function. It is the one time when I can shut off my head and just exsist. Okay, to be honest, I can do that with meditation as well, however, with meditation I am just emptying out my "self". When I'm submitting, I'm emptying my self out so that I can be filled back up. With pain, with pleasure, with want, with need, with whatever the person running things desires.

That is truly what I crave - to simply function as an empty vessel for someone else's desires. For me, that is what "subspace" entails. That complete giving up of self, where the boundaries of ego are erased.

Or, as I put it in one of my poems:

"a blank slate,
waiting to be written upon
in your hand"

Sure, it can sound scary, but with someone you trust (and you damn well BETTER trust the person you're asking to do these things to you!) it is the most amazing thing. D (the former Dom) could get me there in a split second with a particular word or touch. His hand wrapping around my wrist and gently squeezing would catapult me right over the edge. But, that was the kind of closeness he and I shared. By the end, I could anticipate what he wanted and he could bring me off with one whispered comment. I miss that part alot but I don't miss the crazy. Heh.

That's a story for another time though...